@albo_albert

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

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@C00LpenNAME

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

@LuckoftheDraw86

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

@thetits

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

@Cassee999

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

@NervousJr

Told my mom “The D” stood for donuts, and now she won’t stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.

@Dawn_M_

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

@MommyWhoTweets

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

@thetigersez

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

@wokkax3

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.