@albo_albert

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

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@momthoughts13

Not one parenting book or website prepared me for how many times I would accidentally bump my baby’s head on a door frame.

@thedadvocate01

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

@FroggyGonnaJump

She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.

@AwwRobin666

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

@LizHackett

Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.

@PajamaBen_

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

@LizHackett

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

@Ally__Jam

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them