12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider
12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
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E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep: *folder meows*
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Told my mom “The D” stood for donuts, and now she won’t stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.