*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
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I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.