* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

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ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding


I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.


Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*


When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.


{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?