*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
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Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Breaking news:
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky