*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
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Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Tremendous stuff
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.