Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.

Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN

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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.


“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago


Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should


Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.


[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.


Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog


*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*


[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.


I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.