I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.
Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN
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“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.