[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
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13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
boss: you鈥檝e been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!馃槀馃槶馃槶
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I am an influencer.
If you aren鈥檛 influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I鈥檓 helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children鈥檚 names these days are completely out of hand.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare