[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Monday
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion