Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
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Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.