Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
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Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.