@BBQJones28

Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”

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@BeagirlNJ

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

@AlmightyBored

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

@sixfootcandy

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

@archerenemy

Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…

I know that now…

@eliyudin

that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”

@BuckyIsotope

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

@daddydoubts

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

@briangaar

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

@TheBoydP

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

@Izianikapani

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?