“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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They must have gotten it to go.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
When I snag the last meatball.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.