@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

- @Jesssicle

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@TheMichaelRock

According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.

*shrugs*

@dmc1138

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

@ch000ch

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

@lifeadvice_4you

me: dad, how do i make a girl like me

dad: treat her like a princess

{later}

me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]

@rickolantern

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

@bartandsoul

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

@E_lok44

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

@Sarcasticsapien

I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.