Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
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I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Lmfaoooooo
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*