@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

You Might Also Like

@ewfeez

You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.

@Shock_Monster

So, when I wear my phone clipped to my belt & a fanny pack, I’m a douche.nnBatman does it & it’s a bad-ass utility belt. nnnDouble standard.

@RandySmithWhat

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

@BlindChow

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

@just1fool

Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medicine to clear up my earwax. He was right about me being a shithead apparently.

@NapVeg

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

@thenoahkinsey

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

@JohnLyonTweets

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

@ConanOBrien

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.