@Jesssicle: Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
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@leshnevsky: Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty? Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!
@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a dove. Dove: ok. God: do you know what that means? Dove: white pigeon? God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit. Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
@kelkulus: Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I'd probably have done better if they'd specified that they didn't mean by tickling.