I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
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me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My pet rock likes to dent people’s heads. I don’t blame him
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.
And this, kids, is why education is key.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.