Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ