“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
1st Anniversary: Let’s go to Vegas
5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner
10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics