@inojperez

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

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@pjux

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

@Jake_Vig

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

@amelianashh

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

@AnkCoupleTO

1st Anniversary: Let’s go to Vegas

5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner

10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun

@MattMcElaney

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

@roxiqt

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

@JaneBadall

In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.

@thegrugq

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

@Tbone7219

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

@thepunningman

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics