[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.


PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.


So apparently ‘Sexual Prime’ isn’t one of the Autobots.
I know this now.


When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide


WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies


Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.


I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.


If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?


My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.