[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
What flavor cupcake are these
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh