Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
…..pretty much.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary