[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
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[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
you gotta be faster
We need more people like this.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.