[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
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Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Ovenable?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today