my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
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He called me passive aggressive. I just smiled and left.
Cut his brake lines on the way out for good measure, though.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Daddy, how’d you get that scar?
*flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery*
I brought a hot glue gun to the gun range and it was awkward at first, but now we’ve created so many memories.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 😒
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.