@david8hughes

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

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@jonnysun

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

@_CremDelaEm

He called me passive aggressive. I just smiled and left.

Cut his brake lines on the way out for good measure, though.

@ElgatoEsmio

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

@DaddyJew

Daddy, how’d you get that scar?

*flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery*

War

@mollzbenn

I brought a hot glue gun to the gun range and it was awkward at first, but now we’ve created so many memories.

@sugabelly

I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 😒

@smithsara79

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

@mommajessiec

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

@IvoryGazelle

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.