[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
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I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles