[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
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My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
can’t bark with your mouth full
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!