don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
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[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Swedish for common sense.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.