Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
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Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?