[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
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Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet