*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?