*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
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who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I think the cat got the dog high.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day