[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.


Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn’t break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.


If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.


Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey


Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.


Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?


Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.


HR: “..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane’s forehead…”
Me: “..it was the last twizzler”
Me: *eats twizzler*


Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another