[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
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Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.