@FrazzleMyGimp

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

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@jwoodham

FACEBOOK: Hey, remember me? I’m a girl you met in college, in that one class. We never really talked. Anyway, here’s 97 pictures of my baby.

@BoomBoomBetty

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

@Momtoteens

When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.

@j0eg0d

I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.

@brendohare

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

@BuckyIsotope

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

@DVSblast

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

@ClichedOut

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

@Pierre__4

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

@MarfSalvador

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]