FACEBOOK: Hey, remember me? I’m a girl you met in college, in that one class. We never really talked. Anyway, here’s 97 pictures of my baby.
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
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Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]