[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

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DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery
ME: Wtf why not?
DAD: Because *locking eyes* they’re still alive


*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here


SCIENTISTS: We’ve discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities

ME: Ok wow I’m right here


9: do they drink beer in heaven?

Me: I kinda doubt it…

9: does somebody check for it at the gate?

Me: …


I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done


Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house


customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket


“ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SEX WITH MINERS!” is the exact wrong way to proclaim your sexual proclivity toward those who excavate coal.