DAD: You know, no one in this city is allowed to be buried in that cemetery
ME: Wtf why not?
DAD: Because *locking eyes* they’re still alive
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
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*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
SCIENTISTS: We’ve discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities
ME: Ok wow I’m right here
9: do they drink beer in heaven?
Me: I kinda doubt it…
9: does somebody check for it at the gate?
I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SEX WITH MINERS!” is the exact wrong way to proclaim your sexual proclivity toward those who excavate coal.