[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
We’re all getting idioter.