(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
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Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.