@Shade510

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

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@JonnyStallone

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”

@Mikecanrant

I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.

@ibid78

Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.

@ClichedOut

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

@sweetandweak

Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.

@ermahgarton

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.