putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
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If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.
Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
never compromise your values
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.