(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”


I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.


Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.


COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*



FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us


Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.


According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.