Family stickers on cars are the parent version of prison tattoos.

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I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!


All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.


Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.


Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.


[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]


Come with me and I will help you realize your full insignificance.


I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food


In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.


Husband: We should eat healthier; we eat way too much junk food.

Me, pressing cookie dough into a waffle iron: Do what now?!