I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Family stickers on cars are the parent version of prison tattoos.
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All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Come with me and I will help you realize your full insignificance.
I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food
In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.
Husband: We should eat healthier; we eat way too much junk food.
Me, pressing cookie dough into a waffle iron: Do what now?!