[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.