@MissHavisham

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

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@burntmybagel

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

@TheAlexNevil

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

@RodLacroix

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

@mjkspeaks

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

@HatfieldAnne

In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.

@murrman5

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

@jake_lach

If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?

@captainkalvis

executioner: any last words

me: yes, I wish murder was legal

my genie: [appears] your wish is my command

executioner: you’re free to go

me: [getting up] haha hell yes

executioner: [stabs me as I leave] idiot