Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
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Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Child: I’m full.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
*presses start and mario just sits down*
If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?
executioner: any last words
me: yes, I wish murder was legal
my genie: [appears] your wish is my command
executioner: you’re free to go
me: [getting up] haha hell yes
executioner: [stabs me as I leave] idiot