@randypaint

[family using ouija board after my death]

brother: how is heaven?

me: S U C K S

brother: why?

me: N O D R U G S

brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too

me: J K M O M H A H A

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@AlanHungover

*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: “Who was that, your girlfriend?” *Everyone laughs* NERD: “Nope. It was yours.” *Dead silence*

@michaeldean0116

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

@LizHackett

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

@WilliamAder

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

@Browtweaten

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

@heroinsdemise

Women’s magazines:

20 pages “accept yourself”

40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”

And
Cake recipes..

@Bratterina

A gang of pigs that do martial arts and go around the city fighting crime, call themselves “The Pork Chops”

Don’t steal my idea.

@floydimus

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

@elle91

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no