My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
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[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
at ease…shoulder.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.