[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
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need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
my nickname in college
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it