me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
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Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Breaking news:
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.