Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
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LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?