Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
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[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I laughed at this way too hard.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.