[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.