@HansGrubertron

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

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@evanrhorne

I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.

@david8hughes

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

@SICKOFWOLVES

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

“Sir, that’s a bench.”

Me: perfect.

@Brampersandon_

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

@_ElizabethMay

*peels sticker off webcam*
Me: i know my searches seem suspicious, but they’re not.
FBI agent in the webcam: you’re looking up the best way to dismember and dispose of a body.
Me: I’m a writer.
FBI agent: *quiet for several minutes* The answer is pigs.
Me: *replaces sticker*

@jaboukie

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

@inanimatecorpse

Blind date.

Oh, this is awkward

Chewbacca:

What i meant…

Chewbacca:

When I said i was looking for a big dog person was..

Chewbacca: