*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
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I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[at the gym]
Me: what does this machine do?
“Sir, that’s a bench.”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
*peels sticker off webcam*
Me: i know my searches seem suspicious, but they’re not.
FBI agent in the webcam: you’re looking up the best way to dismember and dispose of a body.
Me: I’m a writer.
FBI agent: *quiet for several minutes* The answer is pigs.
Me: *replaces sticker*
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Oh, this is awkward
What i meant…
When I said i was looking for a big dog person was..