@HansGrubertron

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

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@TomDaddario

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

@mrtruthandsoul

Twitter is the government’s elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

@thatdutchperson

[remodel]

Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?

Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.

@OrdinaryAlso

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

@zwina_summer

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

@nesgritton

Yes, I am aware pigs are more intelligent than dogs. Why would I want to eat an inferior animal and absorb its lesser powers?