If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
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ME: *tries to sneakily pee in pool*
LIFEGUARD: sir get off the diving board
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Twitter is the government’s elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?
Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Yes, I am aware pigs are more intelligent than dogs. Why would I want to eat an inferior animal and absorb its lesser powers?