[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
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Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Science memes
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]