[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The best shot in the history of golf
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”