[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
You Might Also Like
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.