@david8hughes

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

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@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I’ll stop putting it in his coffee.

@willwilkinson

Why is it “kill baby Hitler” rather than “make Hitler’s mom fall in love with YOU” or “kidnap Hitler’s grandpa and strand him in Nepal just before he meets Hitler’s grandma”? People lacking in imagination should not have time machines.

@mystikandmom

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

@Lowenaffchen

Katana is Japanese for “sword”. In Japan they have great respect for swords and their moms dont knock them off the wall while vacuuming

@JeffreyCook

A friend just texted me from a trans-Atlantic flight saying folks are on their hands and knees looking for not one, but THREE missing cats on-board.

Just thought everyone on this website would enjoy that

@TheQuietPsycho

I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore

@GrabTheWEness

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

@stats_canada

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout