[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
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🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish