[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
You Might Also Like
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
R.I.P.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!