you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
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Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard