[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
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I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Home is where your toilet is.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything