You know what’s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
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God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!
911: Be cool
Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades