@SuicideBooth1

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

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@SlayerSays

You know what’s really great about being a narcissist? Me.

@Elizasoul80

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

@Havish_AF

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

@LeonEarlgrey

The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.

@grain_death

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

@Snarfernini

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead

@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

@Skoog

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important