Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
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Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
When I pack too much for a short trip.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no