Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
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If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”