Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I think the cat got the dog high.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
welcome back
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”