@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

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@JKickinit30

I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.

@jackiembouvier

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

@rickolantern

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

@sentientbomb

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

@AnOrangeSNES

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

@bobvulfov

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

@SurlyJon

And that, class is why we keep our mouths shut whilst changing a sewer pump.

@GeauxSaints79

Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?

@tarashoe

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

@audipenny

So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist