@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

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@simoncholland

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

@sweetmomissa

A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.

@trevso_electric

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

@junejuly12

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

@StainsQueen

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

@lilgapeach30

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.

@ericonederful

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m not allowed to watch Hoarders anymore because people say “let it go” too often and then I can’t stop singing it, an autobiography.

@WheelTod

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items