@fattydaddy02

“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.

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@YourMomsucksTho

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

@causticbob

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

@brendohare

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

@ThisLocalHater

The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

@RodLacroix

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

@KentTheG

It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.

@wizdom

A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.

@MomOnFire

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep