@YourMomsucksTho
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
@causticbob
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
@LoveNLunchmeat
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
@dave_cactus
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
@brendohare
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
@ThisLocalHater
The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.
@RodLacroix
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
@KentTheG
It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.
@wizdom
A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.
@MomOnFire
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
@fattydaddy02