@fattydaddy02

“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.

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@Bob_Janke

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

@MumInBits

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

@tyleroakley

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

@Jazzzzzmina

Not to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

@RodLacroix

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

@KimmyMonte

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

@max_pad21

I failed my Driver’s test. Driving teacher: “What do you do at a red light?” Me: “I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter.”

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

@rockymomax

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing