“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.

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In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends


Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…


The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.


Not to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.


Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait


what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?


I failed my Driver’s test. Driving teacher: “What do you do at a red light?” Me: “I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter.”


[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*


ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now


CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing