i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
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Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.