“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.

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She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!


Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.


i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it


My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”


I just threw away all the toilet paper in the office so this day is about to get interesting.


Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!


angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf


The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.