Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]