Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
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You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.